Hey everyone, yes, you.
I talked to two of my oldest true friends today. One with whom I’ve had a light, humorous, incredibly intellectually fulfilling friendship, and one with whom I’ve had some ups and some incredibly vicious downs. The first one and I talked about music and I asked to borrow his entire Yo La Tengo collection. We talked about voices. I realized how narrow my musical tastes have been for so many years.
The second and I talked about his love life, and he told me that finally, he’s been waking up in the morning feeling decent about his life. I finally realized that that e.e. cummings poem goes “since feeling is first,” instead of what I had remembered, “if feeling is first.” That’s a serious distinction, and one that I think bears a lot of importance now, when everyone is talking about sweethearts and eating Sweetarts.
Cummings makes no bones about it. Are feelings first? Yes, he says, he assumes, feeling is first. It matters how we feel before anything. There isn’t much that you can do when you aren’t wholly being a fool in the world, guarding yourself or otherwise miring yourself in something that isn’t feeling. Usually when you’re doing that you’re avoiding feeling anyway or generally feeling pretty wack.
I’m listening to Jackson Browne’s “Bright Baby Blues,” which another friend of mine and I played at our college’s scheduled group vocal recital. It was sad blues, with slide guitar and American turns of phrase bumping up against all the Mozart arias and Schumann lieder like a drunk at the Opera. Feeling, for us, was first. We just assumed it would be cool with the department to whip out some Jackson Browne when everyone carefully chose something classical or maybe Broadway because they thought it was more appropriate. Feeling is first.
Feeling, being first, can do some pretty horrible things to my psyche. It messes with all of us. It can also be a powerful fuel or an ally. This happens when we finally begin to wake up in the morning feeling like things are finally manageable and cool. When my friend told me he was waking up feeling OK nowadays I thought, “wow, so am I.” It’s nice to have your feelings begin to shift into line and begin to help you do the things you need to do instead of continually twist you into knots. Feeling is first.
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