Tonight is that night of all nights, when people can sit staring at a screen, which shows a group of people sitting staring at a screen which tells them who did the best job of being stared at in a screen. This ignites feeling and reaction in the human breast. These are a few things I know will happen in the United States as a result of Oscar Night tonight.
1) A misty-eyed white family is enthusiastically extolling the film “Precious: based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” to one another. Adjectives like “real,” and “gritty,” will be spattered all over the walls in subdivisions across suburban America.
2) A 20-year old son will try unsuccessfully to explain “District 9” to his mother or grandmother.
3) Someone’s dad will question the legitimacy of “Up”
4) The word “visionary” will be used to describe James Cameron. Someone’s grandfather will ask who James Cameron is, again.
5) Someone under 20 will ask if the Alec Baldwin in the clip from “She’s Having A Baby” is in fact, Alec Baldwin. Their mother will get a mist in her eyes and say yes, that is Alec Baldwin.
6) A middle-aged white woman is telling her husband and children just how beautiful she thinks Queen Latifah is. She may also go on to repeat this about Mo’nique and/or Gabourey Sidibe.
7) At least one family will have watched the “On the Red Carpet” special before the Oscars. This is because they thought the show started at 8.
8) Someone’s mom will absolutely love Sandy Powell’s dress.
9) The people who win Oscars for sound editing, film editing, sound mixing, and screenplay will wish they had done something different with their hair.
10) James Cameron will be referred to as “a visionary” again.
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